Sebastian Chair Rant

You know what my favorite thing about the CCC is?

It's got chairs. Yeah. Chairs are great, aren't they? Cuz the thing is, the thing about chairs is, chairs are really nice things to have when you want to sit down.

You ever been standing up or maybe you're, like, walking around for a long period of time, right? You're feeling kinda tired? You got that soreness in your muscles, you got that muscle soreness? Y'know, for me it's my hamstrings. I think you kids call it the hammies, right? Your hammies are a bit sore, y'know, they're not tiptop? Maybe you got a little bit of the creakiness in your joints, right? Y'know, like maybe your right knee blew out when you were squattin' down one time to take a look at Harry's handheld videogame-playing device that wasn't functioning properly?

You weren't tryna set a new world record for deadlifting or anything. Y'know, you were just trying to change the elevation of your eyes! Cuz you know how it's easier to see something sitting right there in front of your eyes, on account of how photons travel linearly? You know about that? You know how photons travel linearly?

And you got a mild glaucoma anyway, so you need all the help you can get! So you're standing there thinkin', this would be a lot easier to see if I just squatted down, so it was at eye-level. And so you go on ahead and do just that, right, you squat right there, and the next thing you know, eight years later you're STILL walkin' with a limp.

And then you realize the universe is a cold, uncaring place where the smallest, most random events can have a massive impact on your well-being. Y'know? It hits you all of a sudden, just like that. How fragile it all is. How unfair and inchoate all of existence is. And then you question whether any of that even MATTERS cuz at the end of the day we're all a bunch o' hairless monkeys scratchin' our asscracks as we drift through space on a godforsaken rock, helpless to the whims of fate and chance.

We have no intrinsic purpose! We have no deeper destiny! There is no greater meaning! And the weight of that existential dread is crushing. You can feel it! It's like a bag of DICKS. It's like a physical bag of wet, STINKY dicks sitting there on your chest. And they're heavy too, it's like they're made out of lead. You got a bag of sloppy, stanky, filthy disgusting lead dicks sittin' on your chest, and it's crushing you! It's killing you inside!

When that happens to me -- because it's an experience I think we can all relate to -- what I like to do in those situations is to sit down. And it's really nice to have a chair when you want to do that. And that's why my favorite part of the CCC is that it has chairs.